If It Means A Lot to You
by Aki-Bunny
Summary: Karson Katen "Karkat" is forcing himself through adolescence considering how fed up he is with his abusive life at home and even with his boyfriend Gamzee. (Alright, lets get all the ships out of the way, Main: GamKat (for the majority), Side ships: EriKat, JohnKat, Erisol, Rosemary, CroKri, and more irrelevance) Triggers; Abuse, Rape, Addiction. (Smut)
1. Mother Dearest

My eyes shot open to the sound of pounding at my and Kanner's door as he shakes me awake.

"Good Morrow brother." He hushed reassuringly as he tossed me a black sweater and a pair of grey pants, "Be silent as you ready yourself for school Mother has returned late from the bar and is rather intoxicated, I'd hate so dearly if said intoxication resulted in any abuse, be it violent or verbal." I sort of understood him as I got dressed, he opens the door and it immediately attacks, and by 'it', I mean the wrath and screaming of our mother whom, just as Kankri expected, was drenched in the scent of our rent money's liquor.

"Please move mother." He sighed. He'd always seemed so collective and calm in these situations, perhaps he sympathized with her, from what I know, she started this when he was five and I was three, when our father (driving drunk most likely) got into a wreck, fracturing his skull and killing herself horribly. Perhaps the death of her beloved hurt, or the fact that he was in the car with another woman whom he'd apparently been having an affair with for over six months.

I glanced down as I shoved my feet into my shoes, grabbing both our bags as Kankri blocked her from me, I was scared and he could see it in my eyes. She screamed at Kankri to move knowing damn well she couldn't do as much damage to my older brother as she could to me.

"I refuse!"

"You pricks look just like him. . ." She slurred. She meant father I assumed. . . we did resemble him a bit more considering we were brunettes with equally curly hair and pale skin to match. "But that little one is fucking identical." I suppose it was the brown eyes that hid behind the bags . . . my eyes were brown like my fathers while Kankri's were a shocking blue.

"I refuse to let you harm this boy especially before school, Mother!" His voice raised, even as she struck a blow to his stomach, Kankri stood before me, shielding me.

"You better control him, Karson, or I'll send you two to foster care."

That was the threat that always got the either of us, when we were young it meant separation, and neither of us could live with that, and now it meant-at least for Kankri- homelessness considering he'd be eighteen coming this July, and I'd be sixteen (the ending age for boy's home acceptance) in the same month.

"No!" I rushed before Kankri and guarded him, his eyes widened as I clung to him defensively.

Here we go again.

The same damn thing.

Kankri tearing me away as I was screamed at and blamed for everything, as I was accused of ruining her marriage and killing our dad, like he wasn't some asshole who didn't fucking beat his five year old black and blue. Kankri begging to take the blows as they were given to me.

It was an hour later and she'd left, I was of course, trying not to cry. These were the moments where I was the strong one and Kankri apologized and held me. . . his tears made it hard not to cry. He kissed my forhead.

"Come on. . she's probably asleep, let's go to school." he hushed. I nodded, groaning a bit as I stood, he examined me, thanking god that I hadn't any terrible bruises. We tiptoed out of the apartment, Kankri was ahead like every moment making sure it was clear.

"Will you eat at school?" He asked. I nodded, though I hadn't the appetite he didn't want me to get ill, I was rather prone.

Every so often he'd stop to fix my hair or something to make me feel better, mornings like this, though they occurred almost ten times a month, always made him fidgety. But what could he do? Mother hadn't any money to steal, we were already on welfare, and unemployment in a small two bedroom apartment on the absolute worst part of town. We could afford better but of course mother needed to indulge in drugs and booze.

Kankri sighed as he checked the clock in the hallway.

"Go to your second period and meet me at the library after school."

The library was his first job, he worked two, the library from 3-10 every week night, and a private tutor from 12-8 every weekend which made about 200 a week which always went to paying for utilities, and what was left he either bought me clothes with or hid for me to go to college. He didn't need it, he'd be going to a private college up north on full ride because of his scholarship.

I opened the door as every one turned around to stare.

"The fuck are you assholes looking at?" I hissed as I walked over to my seat. The teacher often paid me no mind considering I detested her and this class, she knew I was trash but hey, I got a decent grade considering it was one of the few honor's classes the run down excuse for a high-school provided.

I leaned back, pretending to pay attention for a good hour before picking up my backpack and stomping out.

"Wait up~" I glanced back to see one of my closer friends, Eridan come into view. "W-Woah."

"Your stutter irritates me, asshole."

"Thanks, lov-ve."

He walks me to world history where the both of us can goof off together considering this (aside from art) was the only class I had an A in.

"I heard Gamzee likes you"

"Good for Gamzee, Asshole."

"Don't you like him?"

"I don't fucking know." My face lit up, I mean yeah Gamzee was so. . . fucking alluring but I'd always had a bad feeling about him. . . he scared me and it was kind of hot.

"Well do you or don't you~?"

"Your penmanship is gay."

"Thanks. Quit avoiding the question."

"You know the answer."

"You want him."

"Maybe. . ."

"Ha!"

"Whatever pay attention or something."

"What do you like about him?"

"He's hot okay?"

"And?"

And. . . we're fucked. The teacher snatched the note from my hands as I started on a reply. Fuck my life.

He began to read it aloud. Great.

Wait-Oh shit. . .He's in this class.

Once he finished everyone was laughing, considering the oh-so-welcoming school, people whispered gay slurs at me as I pretended to read, my face boiling. I glanced back at Gamzee, and of course that asshole had to be looking right at me. . . his expression was so blank, was he angry? Oh fuck. . . maybe if I look away.

But of course, the bell has to ring when I don't want it to.

" , , please wait after class."

Thank god.


	2. I Guess I Like You

Now of course all the sweaty bald asshole had to tell us was to behave, pay attention and all that crap, then signed two notes so our lates would be excused. I sighed in relief when I realized Gamzee and I had no other classes together.

"Hey motherfucker." I recognized that irritatingly alluring and smooth fucking voice anywhere. Eridan was already rushing to the computer class he detested to steal peaks at Saul's flat ass.

"Listen I know I'm about to get hit but please don't hit me anywhere in the rib area I've been attacked once already and a side note I just want to let you know not all homosexuals will try to change your preference and it isn't contagious." I began to choke out as my face burned, Kankri's Habits rubbed off a bit and get to me in these situations.

"Whoa, whoa, chill motherfucker. Let me all up and get your number." What.

What.

Shit.

"I don't have a phone." I glanced down, my face red, "Then let me walk you to class, bro." My heart skipped a beat as I swallowed.

"Sure...do whatever the fuck you want." I stuttered a bit.

He walked me to my next class, Art.

"Won't you be late for class?"

"Nah, it's study hall." He smiled.

"So you're gay..?" I ask awkwardly.

He nods. "I mean I've been with women and stuff but I like guys." That's pretty normal for the few gays in this region to be honest.

He smells like weed, great he's a stoner. Fucking awesome dude.

"You said you don't wanna be hit in the ribs, what's up? Get picked on a lot?"

"You could say that." I wring at the slip in my hands. "S..so how old are you?"

"Seventeen."

In a sophomore class? Maybe he was held back.

"You wanna skip that class and do something?" He asks me, I shrug.

"Sure, I don't fucking care." He laughs and leads me out the back way towards the bleachers, it's fucking freezing even for may and even if I'm in this fucking sweater. He puts an arm around me and leads me down the stairs and I'm warm again. . . Great.

He pulled out a cigarette lighting it and offering me a smoke, but I shake my head. Kankri would kill me.

"So tell me about yourself?" I ask curiously.

"I'm Gamzee."

"No shit."

"Short for Graham Zeek Makara."

"I'm Karkat, short for Karson Katen Vantas."

It wasn't uncommon around here that people shortened their names like that, Kankri was short for Kanner Kristian, Eridan was short for Eric Daniel Ampora, and the same went for girls names most of the time, Terezi was Terry Ezra Pyrope, etc.

"That's cute."

"Shut the fuck up." I blushed glancing aside.

"I play guitar."

"Figures."

"I like cooking."

"Really?"

"Baking."

Was that a weed joke?

"Hey, what time is it?"

"11:20, class is over in 25."

"What do you wanna do for the next half hour?" I asked, I glance up to see him wink at me, "N..not like that, fuckass."

"Don't you want to?"

"Want to what?"

"Kiss me?"

My stomach tightens as my lips part to respond, "No asshole!"

"But you think I'm hot."

"So!?"

"So tell me. . . what as that 'and'."

"What and?"

"On the note, why else do you like me."

"You're mysterious. . ."

"Cliche."

"You're surprisingly laid back."

"Only when I'm high." He winked again.

"What are you like sober?"

"It gets pretty scary."

"Figured as much." He smirks at me.

"You thought I was scary?" He inches in closer, biting at the piercing on his lip, leaning in too close. . . "And that was another reason you liked me huh?" He reached in his pocket, sliding out a pocket knife, flicking it open.

Oh fuck. . he's insane.

The blade traced my cheek, "And it turns you on?" I glance down, his eyes being such a dark indigo scare the hell out of me. Then his lips crash onto mine, dropping the knife he holds my wrists still. . . I can feel my legs giving in as his tongue slides into my mouth. . . he's so intoxicating. I can't take it.

"That's cute. . .getting off on pain."

"I'm not a masochist." I whimper as he presses me to a steel beam.

"Really?" He laughs, kissing down my neck, biting roughly as my head tilts aside. Fuck I hope I'm dreaming- or do I?. . .No..ow..no it's not a dream I can feel that much. My hands grip at the back of his hoodie, clawing at it. I whimpered a bit as he let go.

"Not a masochist, got it." He smirked. Fuck. . . I kind of want him to do it again. I feel gross, I just met him and I want him to do some horrible things to me. . .well I've liked him for a while, and I'm a teenage boy, I have those hormone things right? Fuck! "Then you shouldn't bother with me, I'll fuck you up." He whispered, letting go of me and sitting in the dry grass.

I glanced down my face was red, I had to say something but I hate, and I mean hate when other's are right. . . I was still shocked against the beam.

"Fine."

"Fine?"

"FINE I'LL FUCKING DATE YOU"

"I didn't ask." He smirked up at me. God I already hate that goofy grin.

"Well fine then we don't have to since you're obviously some asshole who's insane as fu-" His lips where on mine again, thank fucking god. He was too fucking good at kissing, fuck. . . my hands tangled in his thick curly mess of hair and one of my legs betrayed me by wrapping around him.

"Y'know gentleman don't kiss on the first date." He teased, kissing down my neck.

"This isn't a date, asshole." I sighed, tilting my neck.

"Lets have one."

"What?"

"Have lunch with me, I made plans with a friend but you can come."

"Romantic." I scoffed. He shrugged.

"Bring that friend of yours, the really uh. ."

"Gay one. Got it."


	3. Rest and Relaxation?

**_This story is becoming too typical (Like with most HomeStuckHighSchool AUs) so before you get bored and assume please realize my intentions and plans for this are supposed to be a bit raw, I use personal experience (said experiences I won't tell exactly) and hope I can get through these lovey dovey chapters so I can get to some of the beauty and raw kind of fiction I was planning on. I'm a sadistic writer, if you're not crying by chapter ten I've failed v/v_**

It's so fucking ironic that one of his friends happens to be Saul Lucien, or, 'Sollux' or because of his stupid fucking lips 'THOLLUX', Ugh I hate this asshole with his stupid nicknames, I mean Eridan and Karkat are already nicknames! We've been over this! But of course this prick decides to call us KK and ED. Irritating as shit I swear, but of course Eridan has to be an asshole and eat this shit up, calling it cute and affectionate. I fucking hope he scares the heterochromatic asshole away with his big ass googly eyes since he looks like a fucking fish, but when doesn't he?

"KK you listening?"

"No because I don't give two shits about computer programming, Saul." He crinkles his nose. Gamzee attempts to be cute by poking my lips with a fry only to have me bite his finger instead.

"Aw motherfucker, that ain't no fry."

"I know." Fuck he was cute sometimes, I held his face, my expression probably confused him considering he gave me a 'what's wrong' look, until I crashed my lips onto his, only to pull away a second later and wipe my lips off.

"Gay." Eridan and Sollux tease.

"Says the two at the table who might as well go fuck each other! Yeah we see those lip bites and 'accidental' hand touches when you hand another something, you're not slick!"

Both of them glanced down awkwardly as they sipped at their drinks. Sollux was a bit more red than Eridan but I don't think the caterpillars in your cheeks measure your embarrassment. Wait. . . I don't think caterpillars is right. . . what was that word Kankri used. Fuck it, they're veins right now, y'know why? These are my fucking thoughts thats why.

"You three hav-ve to come to my party tonight~"

"I'm your best fucking friend and I didn't know til now?"

"It's a couples party."

"You don't have a boyfriend, asshole."

"Neither do I." Sollux said as sipped awkwardly at his drink.

"Not yet." Eridan winked.

Now he suddenly has a backbone? Now he's suddenly the flirty fun one while I'm the fucking crab?

"Aww sure we can I ain't got no fucking plans."

I glanced down, I couldn't leave Kankri alone with . . . her.

"I sort of have my brother who has to work until like ten."

"It's a good thing it's friday then."

I sighed and nodded. Knowing mother, she'd be out since she's still considered a 'lady' she gets half off at the bar.

Every one checked their watches and groaned.

"Calculus" Came from Gamzee.

"Biology" Sighed from Sollux."

Then eridan and I shuttered at the thought of P.E.

"You ditching, Makara?" Sollux asked.

"Schools got a month left, what do you think." He smirked. "Wanna join us, cuties~?"

"I'm the only cutie to you." I hissed, crossing my arms. I guess he thought it was cute considering he pulled me close, kissing at my lips. The side of my lip curled a bit.

"He's smiling get a camera!" Eridan laughed. I hid my face in Gamzee's shirt, still smiling. . .

After we finished eating we'd walked to Gamzee's house which as almost as fucking huge as Eridan's. Sollux and I both agreed it was overkill considering we were from the same part of town, I guess we were kind of friends considering he was kind of fucking cool. Doesn't matter.

"Listen guys, I have to go at three somewhere but I'll be back before the party. . ." I sighed. We'd all piled into Gamzee's room, Sollux was at the computer desk, but just sat in the chair, I was looking up at the sealing on Gamzee's bed, and Eridan was 'nonchalantly' resting his huge ass on the damn desk. I hope his skinny jeans tear open-I mean not like I like his fucking ass and want to see but it'd be fucking hilarious and embarrassing for him. Scratch that, that asshole Sollux seems like he'd be into it, he probably like Japanese porn with those freaky kinks.

Then again, I want Gamzee to do some really freaky things-No. . . no, thinking about that would be fucking horrible because I'm not about to get a boner in front of these teasing freaks. No sir. Gamzee walked in with sodas. I didn't feel like sitting up so he poked my lip with a straw.

"C'mon it tastes like a fucking miracle~"

I sipped.

"No it's nasty. The fuck is that."

"Faygo~"

The other's didn't seem to mind, everyone talked and got to know each other but I'd become so easily distracted. Gamzee's beg smelled like weed, cologne and head and shoulders. . . it smelt like him. . . I dozed off on the lush comforters. I felt so relaxed...I almost opened my eyes worrying he'd roofied me, but I recall not getting a lot of sleep oh say. . . any night. And I was use to a busty twin sized mattress on the floor where Kanki held me close every night, and on some nights, let me have to myself when he'd sneak (or fall) off onto the shabby carpet. . .

I almost woke up, pulling the comfortable blanket over my shoulder as I snuggle the rather stiff pillow. . . My eyes shot open and Gamzee smirked down at me.

"I-I'm sorry." This was a lot more embarrassing than it seemed. . . "I didn't mean to fall asleep I just. . .-" His lips met mine. . . fuck. He pulled me close.

"Where do you have to go at three?"

"The library." He glanced down confused, "My brother works there and I need to tell him where I'll be tonight."

"Wanna give him a call?"

I nodded, Gamzee searched the number and dialed it for me.

"Alternian Library and Recreation Center, this is Kanner Vantas speaking how might I direct your call?"

"It's me."

"It's four. . ." He sighed, "What's wrong are you hurt?"

"No I'm. . at my boyfriend's house."

"Your what?"

"My boyfriend's house." I heard him sigh on the other line.

"Please be careful. . . what time are you coming home?"

"11 maybe. . . I'm going to a party at Eridan's."

"Ah. . . I'll see you there."

"What?"

"I was invited by his rather kind older brother."

"You know Cronus?"

"We're sort of going a bit steady."

"Gay."

"Now Karson I will have you know that being homosexual as I am the term 'gay' when used as a derogative term is rather triggering a bit rude I'd assumed that you being homosexual yourself could sympathize and kindly respect the fact that I find said aforementioned term to be, as previously stated triggering, ergo though I do respect your opinions I kindly ask that you do not use such a term without tagging it in some sort of manner even when speaking-"

"OKAY I LOVE YOU BYE!' I shouted, hanging up. I glanced aside to see Gamzee undressing.

He took off his shirt . . . fuck was he cut, then his pants. . .I bit my lip.

That is until he tugged at his boxers.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING ASSHOLE!?"

"Getting all up and ready for a nap."

"NAKED?!"

"That's how I nap."

"NO"

"No?"

"LEAVE YOUR BOXERS ON!"

He smirked over, teasingly tugging the front down a bit, exposing his 'v'. . . my face burned.

"Stop!"

"What if I don't~?" I glanced down again, shrugging.

"I'll leave them on. . . if you undress too." I shook my head.

"Nope!"

He began sliding them off, and my hands shot to my eyes.

"Triggered!"

"What bro?"

"I mean-Agh! Fine!" I took off my sweater. "C..could you turn off the fucking lights?"

It's not like I was ashamed of my body or shy I was just. . . the both of those fucking things. But not for the usual reasons. . . I had fresh bruises today. He nodded, dimming them down until it was dark enough to hide my scars and bruises, but bright enough to sort of see me. . . I kicked off my jeans and curled up under the covers, resting my head on his chest.

"Gamzee. . . what's that?"

My knee brushed over it, and my face burned red.

"I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE THE BOXERS ON"

"I lied."

I tried getting out of the bed but he pulled me close, holding me tight.

"I won't do anything, I just want to get all comfy." He snuggled me. I sighed, nodding, still too tired to argue.

Perhaps he's not that insane after all.


	4. I Guess I Love You

**_BILL BILL BILL BILL- BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY, Is it odd I'm watching this for fun, science is the shit bro. Anyways, review because I'm just a normal fish lookin for a worm t'keep me goin'. Nah, I'm just some asian guy who likes to be conceited 3 I'm writing like 4 chapters of this, a chapter of a dance central fic, 2 chapters of an adventure time (with Fiona and Cake) fic and the starter for a Soul Eater for either Chrona and Kid or Stein and Spirit. Oh yeah, I'm announcing that I take requests through private messaging. Just check my profile for my fandoms ;o_**

_Where's Kankri_

**_Shh. . . don't worry._**

_Where's mommy_

**_She took Kankri out while you were napping, Lets take a bath_**

_I don't want to_

_Please don't make me!_

_I promise I won't be dirty. . ._

_Stop. . . please. It hurts..._

I shot out of Gamzee's bed accidentally waking him as my eyes flooded with tears, I tried to breath steadily only to choke on my sobs as they streamed down my cheeks. Again, again with that fucking nightmare.

"Whoa what's wrong motherfucker?"

"Nothing!" I shouted, barely able to catch my breath.

"Karbro. . ."

"It was my fault."

"What?'

"It was all my fault." I hicced. Gamzee's expression became serious, he sat up holding my shoulders, forcing me to look into those shocking eyes even in the barely lit room.

"What happened?"

"The dream. . . I was." I couldn't say it, I felt like I was going to be sick. "Where's your bathroom?" I rushed, he pointed to the door to his own bathroom which I ran over to, spilling my guts in. He didn't find it gross, or at least I don't think so considering he came over and held my bangs back and patted my back. . .

He opened a toothbrush from under his sink and handed it to me along with the toothpaste, I nodded thanking him before scrubbing the taste of bile out of my mouth.

I sighed in relief, at least the stomach ache was gone but a head ache erupted soon after, especially when I saw him there sitting on the bed it was no longer dark, the light was on but of course this asshole clothes weren't.

He was kind enough to cover himself a bit.

"Karkat." I glanced up, "You're gonna tell me everything."

"No."

"No?"

"No." I repeated.

"Why?"

I didn't really have a reason. I kind of shrugged, he patted his bed and I sat next to him, he pulled me close.

"When I was little," He started, "I was alone. . . I hadn't any friends. . . I hadn't any close family." I glanced up at him, "My mom was always out and my dad was always working, I stayed home alone a lot. . . not that I minded, I mean dad says it helped me learn to take care of myself. . ." He glanced down, "They gave me money and bought me crap to keep me quiet. . . one day I had enough so, I went all up and tried to kill myself, thinkin' 'Hey, no one would be around to notice. . . and when I'm gone no one will be around to miss me. . .'" He glanced down at me, "Not like they loved me they barely knew me. . . so, I took all these pills and just woke up in a hospital."

He glanced down, playing with his own hands, "My dad got all mad. . . said if I kept it up, he'd all up and send me away. . . what a motherfucker." He laughed halfheartedly, "Mom was more of the 'why me' type in that situation. . . neither of em bothered to ask what was wrong, they didn't care. . . But I wanted to try so I tried talking to him and you know what my dad tells me?"

I shook my head.

"Says, 'Graham, that's selfish, we're out working so you can have all these nice things' I never asked for the stuff. . . they just thought it'd shut me up, so then he tells me, 'you're weak minded, if you wanted to have a psychiatrist prescribe you pills to get high we've already given you plenty of money.' I didn't bother trying after that, I knew they'd never understand me, y'know. . . so I use my money to get high."

I sighed, holding him close, "Gamzee. . . I want to be it."

"Be what?"

"That. . . love that you've always kind of needed. I mean yeah my life sucks, I'm not going to compare it to yours, I'm not going to judge any of your privilege. . . I just know that it's kind of hard without love. . If I didn't have Kankri I'd be fucked.."

"I have love..One love, my brother Kurloz."

Well don't I feel like an idiot.

"Guess we both have two loves now. . ." he laughed.

"Guess so."

"Does this mean you're in love with me?" He smirked.

"Bitch I might be."

_**A/N I'm sorry, I had to 3**_


End file.
